Towards A Better Marriage 2: 6 Simple Reasons You Shouldn’t Blame Your Spouse

Don't blame your spouse

In the first post on the towards a better marriage seriesit was acknowledged that problems do arise in marriages. But it was also stated that your spouse is not the problem and so he/she should not be seen as one.

In other words, you should not blame your spouse when things go wrong in your marriage. Rather, you should identify exactly what the issue is and tackle it. That way you will achieve a healthier resolution than blaming your spouse.

In this post we will continue the series by presenting six simple reasons it is not good to blame your spouse when marital challenges hit your union:

1.  When you blame your spouse for everything that goes wrong in your marriage, you paint the false picture that you are perfect.

No body is perfect, not even you. You cannot honestly claim that you have never contributed to the challenges both of you may have been facing.  If that’s correct, where then is the moral justification for blaming your spouse?

Be aware that for each finger of accusation you point against your spouse, you have four others pointing towards you as well. In other words, you are equally guilty, if not more.

2. You hurt your spouse’s feelings when you hip the blame on him/her every time, without taking any responsibility yourself.

A hip of blame is not piece of cake and a cup of tea, so don’t expect your spouse to take it with delight. Your spouse doesn’t enjoy being blamed for everything that goes wrong in your marriage. Stop pushing it…

If you stop blaming your spouse, you have found one less way of hurting him/her. Isn’t that a good thing?

3. You risk being resented by your spouse if you continue the blame game.

No matter how you look at it, you will see that it is not good to keep playing the blame game in your marriage. Realise that if you blame your spouse long enough, he/she will begin to resent you, pushing both of you apart.

Prolonged resentment will cause emotional detachment and then physical separation or divorce, which I hopefully think is not what you want.

Stop blaming your spouse

4. As you already know, you will not be able to build a happy and healthy relationship with anyone if you blame or resent him/her a lot.

If you want to build a very good relationship with your spouse, throwing blames at him/her is one of the ways you cannot achieve that goal. Good rapport will not be built on the altar of fault-finding, finger-pointing and venom-pouring

People naturally do not warm up to those who harshly criticise them. Your spouse is not an exception to this, so don’t even dare!

Bear in mind that your spouse too deserves to see your good part. You are not showing him/her that good part if you are regularly blaming him/her for everything that goes wrong between you both.

5. Blaming yours spouse does not solve the problem in your marriage.

Blaming your spouse may help you feel better temporarily, but it doesn’t take away the root-problem in your marriage. It is better to ask ‘what’ the problem is than ‘who’ the problem is.

Fixing blame (on your spouse) is not the same thing as fixing the problem on ground. In fact, the problem will continue to fester while you are playing the blame game. Rather than fixing blames on your spouse, a wiser thing to do is to find out and focus on what the issue is; identify it and deal with it.

6. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.

Finally, remember the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would want to be done unto you.” It applies in marriage too. I know it is easier said than done. But it is a principle that works out good things in the end, whether it is in a friendship or marriage relationship or any other kind of human relationships for that matter.

Think about it for a minute: you don’t want to be blamed for whatever issues you face in your marriage. So why blame your spouse for it all the time and expect him/her to feel good about it?

Let’s interact more; please leave a word or two in the comment section.
Still ahead: Towards A Better Marriage 3: Accept the person you married as the will of God for you.


©  Copyright 2016-Victor Uyanwanne

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30 thoughts on “Towards A Better Marriage 2: 6 Simple Reasons You Shouldn’t Blame Your Spouse

    • VictorsCorner August 20, 2016 / 12:56 pm

      Thank you very much sir. That’s huge, coming from you. I give glory to God for the inspiration.

      Like

  1. Barbara Fisher August 20, 2016 / 5:42 pm

    Good post Victor. We are quick to blame aren’t we? But the better path is to focus on the root of the problem.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Kristen August 20, 2016 / 7:26 pm

    Good thoughts here… But, I don’t think it can be understood as a universal.

    For example, what if I am miserable because my spouse beats me? Where does the blame fall then, if not on him? Towards myself?

    Liked by 2 people

    • VictorsCorner August 21, 2016 / 12:59 am

      Thanks Kristen. I agree there might be exceptions to the rule. That’s understandable.
      Violence in marriage is condemnable by all means. But if you take a second look at it, you may want to know why he beats you. That’s where the problem is and that’s where the blame lies – not on him, not on you either.

      Like

      • Kristen August 21, 2016 / 2:53 am

        Hmmm… Are you recommending that spouses finding themselves in a predicament like the one I mentioned excuse the violent behavior of their abusive spouse? If I choose to hit someone, it is a crime according to the laws governing our society. I do not have the right to be abusive. Why shouldn’t Christian spouses insist upon the same boundaries? What if my husband is addicted to pornography? Or is a serial adulterer? Are we not to hold each other accountable for how we use our free will?
        Jesus tells us to confront the brother/sister that sins against is (Matthew 18:15). But your advice for a blame-free marriage, when used as a principle like you are here, contradicts God’s Word.

        Like

        • VictorsCorner August 21, 2016 / 2:08 pm

          That’s not exactly what I suggested, Kristen. I already stated that violence is a condemnable act whether in marriage relationship or not. So if you hit someone deliberately, as you said, the laws will hold you accountable…

          Perhaps to further help you understand my perspective in the article, let me restate the context of it (and the one before):
          1. You are in a committed marriage;
          2. You want better relationship between you and your spouse.

          Given these scenarios, when problems come up in your marriage, you should focus on solving them, not on blaming your Spouse for them. Focusing on who is wrong rather than on what is wrong will not yield the desired solution. That point was also made in the article.

          Kristen, every good Christian knows his/her boundaries in relationships. But there is always room for mercy and forgiveness when a partner falls short of expectation. You can ‘insist on same boundaries,’ as you put it, or you can show mercy. Doesn’t the Bible say that mercy supersedes judgement? James 2:13b.

          On the other issues you raised, if your spouse is addicted to pornography or is a serial adulterer as you cited, it’s up to you what you want and what to do. The choice is yours whether to forgive him/her, focus on the identified problems and work things out or outrightly divorce him/her.

          What I can tell you here is that no problem is insurmountable, especially if God is involved. There are people who followed the first option and now have a good marriage. But if you choose the second option, then the article is not meant for you in the first place. Don’t your spouse also have the right to take the same option if you are the one caught in error? Of course, he does!

          Finally, Kristen, remember that no one is perfect. Whoever you blame for anything will also have something to blame you for. You cannot insist on blaming your Spouse at the expense of resolving the issue on ground or saving your marriage. The blame game doesn’t work. It is on that premise that the article suggested that spouses should focus on resolving the issues between them rather than on throwing blames and pouring venoms on each other.

          That I believe, Kristen, does not contradict the written word of God as you insinuated. Rather it is fully in line with what Jesus instructed when He said:

          “You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Kristen August 21, 2016 / 5:05 pm

            Victor, I had to stop at “every good Christian knows their boundaries in relationships”. Because, I’ve seen quite the opposite.
            Have you ever read any of Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend’s books on boundaries? Their perspective as Christians and Psychologists is that healthy boundaries do not come naturally to human beings. It is part of the fall that we do not honor ourselves and others as God intends. Christians aren’t exempt from all of the temporal consequences of the fall… The Eternal ones– yes! But, our human nature, with all of its potential to hurt and to harm, is something everyone has to contend with– believer and unbeliever. If this wasn’t so, you wouldn’t feel compelled to offer marital advice, right? The fact that you do feel compelled to offer guidance speaks to the truth that even ‘good Christians’ struggle to have good marriages.

            I’m going to say something here that I intend to come across in love– and I pray that it does. If we go back to Genesis, and the first married couple– which one had the issue with blaming their spouse for their own sin?
            You are absolutely right that blame can create more problems than it solves…. When we use it to justify our own sin. A better way to counter the effects of blame in marriage is to ask one’s self, “why am I pointing fingers? What is it that I’m upset about here that would drive me to confrontation?” This is where the Christian marriage differs from the secular one– God’s Mercy and Justice are not separate. They are One, as He is one. If we want to show God’s mercy, we need a paradigm shift. And this is what that shift looks like:

            “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

            Instead of blame, we are called to understanding and mutual responsibility. The power to improve our marriages does not come without first taking responsibility for our own human nature. Pauls says, “Therefore do not let sin exercise dominion in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions.” (Romans 6:12) Paul is talking to Christians here. And he’s admonishing them to confront their own sin. Not to excuse it, but to take responsibility for their own will.

            No one is blameless. (Romans 7:18). Which is why mutual responsibility is the answer to our propensity to blame.

            Now, why the heck am I putting all this time and energy into this dialogue with you? It’s not because my poor hubby is abusive, or a porn addict, or an adulterer. Not at all! But as a Christian woman, I know that the ones reading blog posts like your are the ones in troubled marriages. They know God hates divorce, and they are trying their hardest to save their relationships. Can we have mercy on those women/men? It isn’t the arrogant blamer/shamer in a marriage that seeks marital advice. It’s normally the ones miserably enduring much blame and shame (or worse!) from their spouse and they want to make it stop. What words of wisdom do you have for these believers?

            Liked by 1 person

          • VictorsCorner August 21, 2016 / 6:23 pm

            Kristen, thanks for the comments. I appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to offer more explanation.

            Will it surprise you to hear that I do agree with much of your position here, including the one you attributed to Drs Cloud and Townsend?
            For all I can see, your explanations here actually corroborate my position that there are better ways to tackle marital issues than playing the blame game. And it was good you agree with that too.

            I like your idea that “we are called to understanding and mutual responsibility.” So right on point! That goes to show that a couple that employs those will not have to play the blame game.

            In any case, believers are to love their spouses unconditionally. No matter how hard that sounds, it is still what we are called to do.

            Of course, we can’t do it relying on our own power. But we can trust in God for the grace to do it. Didn’t God promise that He is our present help in times of need?

            I really hope that someone doesn’t hold on to the wrong end of this post. Thanks for your time.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Kristen August 21, 2016 / 5:34 pm

            I think you are spot on with much of what you write here… But, it made me cringe to read that your advice to a Christian spouse enduring abuse was to try to see past the blame and to the root of their spouse’d problem. We should indeed do that as far as our personal sinful contributions to our marital dynamic. And we should always seek to understand (unless it results in more harm).

            However… forgiveness cannot come before repentance. Until our spouse can see their own sin, and take responsibility for it before God, they are destined to repeat it. And continue to hurt us.
            As someone that has seen the disastrous results of forgiveness without true repentance (in my family of origin, and in my relationships with Christian women in abusive relationships) I can say that there are just as many Christian spouses dealing with a reluctance to own up to the full extent of their own sin, as their are ones neglecting to forgive their partners.

            Like

          • VictorsCorner August 21, 2016 / 8:00 pm

            Wait a minute here, Kristen. I really do not want us to misunderstand each other. If you agreed that playing the blame game doesn’t solve any problem, why does it look like you are still calling for it?

            Remember you talked about “understanding and mutual responsibility”? Are those not better than throwing blames around?

            My advice to married couples having challenges is that they should identify what the challenge is and tackle it together, rather than throwing blames.

            Why ? Because, laying blames doesn’t solve the problem, it causes resentment, it inhibits healthy relationship and hurts your spouse’s feelings. Regards.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Kristen August 21, 2016 / 10:13 pm

            Victor, you have earned my utmost respect today. You are a very patient person! You have walked with me here through all of the questions I posed. I admire your care and concern. It would have been easy to see my quest for clarification here as mere criticism. More “internet drama”, if you will.
            I am not surprised that we agree here, lol! Perhaps the last concept to find common ground with here is the use of blame. Maybe it would help for me to choose another word here: holding accountable. Would you agree that spouses have a responsibility to hold each other accountable in and through Christ?

            Liked by 1 person

          • VictorsCorner August 21, 2016 / 10:31 pm

            Hmmmm…… heaves a sigh of relief :). Thank you Kristen for this warm comment.

            It’s been great engaging in this discourse with you. Yes, I completely “agree [with you] that spouses have a responsibility to hold each other accountable in and through Christ.”

            Thanks for your time.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Uyanwanne Jennifer August 21, 2016 / 6:58 am

    Well said my love. More of God’s inspiration I pray

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus August 22, 2016 / 2:36 pm

    Victor both you and Kristen confirmed that no one is perfect and I agree in a Worldly way we can’t be. But do you both know every Christian in the World? can you say without doubt that no one is Perfected in Love? which we are all to aim for (Hebrews6:1) Love does not Sin or does it choose to Sin as confirmed in the Scriptures below and in the early Church we read that there were those who were Perfect and Paul achieved it before he died too and no doubt others have over the years, which leads me to ask when did the Church Stop Teaching this very important Truth and why?.

    We know that when God talks about Perfection, He means Perfection in Love, not worldly fleshy perfection, which is the same as fleshy love, always changing, no commitment, if it feels good do it or just rubbish it and walk away, regardless of who gets hurt.

    Back to your Message Victor, so what if a Husband or a Wife is Perfected in Love but their Spouse is not and they continue to Sin against their Marriage vows, Forgiveness yes after Heart Repentance but what if they continue to Sin and there is no Heart Repentance?

    We need to remember we are not only covered by Jesus Righteousness, we also walk as He walks when we are Perfected which is in Love, as confirmed in the Scriptures (1 John 3:1-11( 6-7 ) God tells us and Paul too that Perfection is what we are to aim for by putting our Carnal flesh to death.

    1 John 4:17-19 Herein is our Love made Perfect that we may have boldness in the day of judgment because as He is so are we in this World. There is no fear in Love but Perfect Love casteth out fear because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made Perfect in Love. We Love Him because He first Loved us.

    Matthew 5:48 Be ye therefore Perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is Perfect.

    Hebrews 6:1 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ let us go on unto Perfection not laying again the foundation of Repentance from dead works and of faith toward God,

    Philippians 3:14-16 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore as many as be Perfect be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded God shall reveal even this unto you. Nevertheless where to we have already attained let us walk by the same rule, let us mind the same thing.

    2 Corinthians 7: 1 Having therefore these promises dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit Perfecting Holiness in the fear of God.

    2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness that the man of God may be Perfect thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

    2Corinthians 13:11 Finally brethren farewell. Be Perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in Peace; and the God of Love and Peace shall be with you.

    1 John 3: 1-11 ( 6-7 ) Whosoever abideth in Him Sinneth not: whosoever Sinneth hath not seen Him, neither known Him. Little Children, let no Man deceive you he that doeth Righteousness is Righteous even as He is Righteous.

    1 John 3:9 No one who is Born of God will continue to Sin because God’s seed remains in him he cannot go on Sinning because he has been Born of God.

    Christian Love and Blessings – Anne.

    Liked by 1 person

    • VictorsCorner August 22, 2016 / 2:57 pm

      Anne, thanks for commenting. I agree that we are perfect … But it’s in our spirit, not in our carnal body as you also noted.

      I know the Bible says “As He is so are we in this world”. But that is in the spirit, our recreated spirit. Not yet in our mortal bodies.

      Yes, we should strive towards perfection, but needless to say, we are not there yet. Because we are yet to be fully transformed to the image of Christ. So we are not yet perfect in love in the best sense of it.

      I understand that when the Bible uses the word perfect or perfection, most times it’s talking about maturity… Like in the scriptures you referenced. So striving unto perfection means striving unto maturity.

      As for the spouse whose partner continues to flout the marriage vow, I would say let the spirit of God guide such spouse on what to do. The easy option will be to walk away. Another will be to forgive and stay and continue to love the partner with the hope that God will change him/her. The affected spouse is in a better situation to know what to do than I am. Regards.

      Like

      • Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus August 22, 2016 / 3:53 pm

        What many fail to understand Victor is that we are to put our Carnal Flesh to death so we can be Perfected in Love, which we see confirmed below in the Scriptures, which leads me to ask again when did the Church Stop Teaching these very important Truths and why?.

        Romans 8 :12-15 Therefore, brothers/ sisters, we have an obligation but it is not to the Sinful nature, to live according to it. or if you live according to the Sinful nature, you will die but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body you will live because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.

        2 Corinthians 7: 1 Having therefore these promises, dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, Perfecting Holiness in the fear of God.

        Colossians 3:4-6 When Christ, who is your life appears then you also will appear with Him in glory. Put to death, therefore whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

        Galatians 5:24 -26 And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts if we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

        1 John 3:1-11 (9) No one who is born of God will continue to Sin, because God’s seed remains in him he cannot go on Sinning because he has been born of God.

        1 John 3: 1-11 ( 6-7 ) Whosoever abideth in Him Sinneth not: whosoever Sinneth hath not seen Him, neither known Him. Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth Righteousness is Righteous, even as He is Righteous.

        1 John 5:18-20 We know that no one who is Born of God Sins; but He who was Born of God keeps him, and the evil one does not touch him.

        Blessings – Anne.

        Liked by 1 person

        • VictorsCorner August 22, 2016 / 6:23 pm

          You are right Anne. We are as believers in Christ called to put to death our mortal bodies.

          My understanding of that is that we should obey the Spirit rather than the flesh. The Bible calls it walking in the Spirit rather than in the flesh. By so doing, we become more and more like Christ.

          Has, the churches really stopped preaching it [death to self]? May be not completely.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus August 22, 2016 / 11:28 pm

            I cannot speak for all Churches Victor or for all those who Blog as Christians but I have experienced because of my own experience as a Christian and with my Ministries which involved my being in contact with many different Denominations and House Churches and now with Christian Blogs, strong opposition to this Teaching from Scripture, most claim we will Sin till we die but it’s OK because we are under Grace and this fleshy understanding is not confirmed in the Scriptures.

            Yes our Past Sins are forgiven after Heart Repentance but God’s Grace does not give us a license to continue sinning, although Jesus is our Advocate if we do Sin and Repent before we are Born Again and before our Carnal Flesh is put to death but when we are Perfected in Love we will no longer Sin, being Born Again of God’s Seed means we cannot Sin, we have His Nature not Adams, the Old has gone the New has come.

            1John 3:1-11 (9) No one who is Born of God will continue to Sin, because God’s Seed remains in him he cannot go on Sinning because he has been Born of God.KJV

            Blessings – Anne.

            Like

          • Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus August 22, 2016 / 11:36 pm

            Of course Victor I cannot speak all those who Blog as Christians or for all Churches but I have experienced because of my own experience as a Christian and with my Ministries which involved my being in contact with many different Denominations and House Churches and now with Christian Blogs, strong opposition to this Teaching from Scripture, most claim we will Sin till we die but it’s OK because we are under Grace and this fleshy understanding is not confirmed in the Scriptures.

            Yes our Past Sins are forgiven after Heart Repentance but God’s Grace does not give us a license to continue sinning, although Jesus is our Advocate if we do Sin and Repent before we are Born Again and before our Carnal Flesh is put to death but when we are Perfected in Love we will no longer Sin, being Born Again of God’s Seed means we cannot Sin, we have His Nature not Adams, the Old has gone the New has come.

            1John 3:1-11 (9) No one who is Born of God will continue to Sin, because God’s Seed remains in him he cannot go on Sinning because he has been Born of God.KJV

            Blessings – Anne.

            Like

  5. Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus August 22, 2016 / 11:30 pm

    I cannot speak for all Churches Victor or for all those who Blog as Christians but I have experienced because of my own experience as a Christian and with my Ministries which involved my being in contact with many different Denominations and House Churches and now with Christian Blogs, strong opposition to this Teaching from Scripture, most claim we will Sin till we die but it’s OK because we are under Grace and this fleshy understanding is not confirmed in the Scriptures.

    Yes our Past Sins are forgiven after Heart Repentance but God’s Grace does not give us a license to continue sinning, although Jesus is our Advocate if we do Sin and Repent before we are Born Again and before our Carnal Flesh is put to death but when we are Perfected in Love we will no longer Sin, being Born Again of God’s Seed means we cannot Sin, we have His Nature not Adams, the Old has gone the New has come.

    1John 3:1-11 (9) No one who is Born of God will continue to Sin, because God’s Seed remains in him he cannot go on Sinning because he has been Born of God.KJV

    Blessings – Anne.

    Like

  6. Freedomborn ... Aussie Christian Focus August 23, 2016 / 12:09 am

    Hi Victor, I have replied to your response on your last Marriage Post a few times now but they have disappeared , please check your Spam, I will try again but I will also put my reply to you below your comment on my Blog but if you do find my Comments here in Spam please advise WordPress as your settings may have been adjusted, also look to see if my details are in your Spam list this has happened with some who were commenting on my Blog, perhaps someone at WordPress does not agree with Scripture either and are walking in the Carnal flesh.

    My Comment before on your Blog……I cannot speak Victor for all Churches or for all those who Blog as Christians but I have experienced because of my own experience as a Christian and with my Ministries which involved my being in contact with many different Denominations and House Churches and now with Christian Blogs, strong opposition to this Teaching from Scripture, most claim we will Sin till we die but it’s OK because we are under Grace and this fleshy understanding is not confirmed in the Scriptures.

    Yes our Past Sins are forgiven after Heart Repentance but God’s Grace does not give us a license to continue sinning, although Jesus is our Advocate if we do Sin and Repent before we are Born Again and before our Carnal flesh is put to death but when we are Perfected in Love we will no longer Sin, being Born Again of God’s Seed means we cannot Sin, we have His Nature not Adams, the Old has gone the New has come.

    1John 3:1-11 (9) No one who is Born of God will continue to Sin, because God’s Seed remains in him he cannot go on Sinning because he has been Born of God.KJV

    Blessings – Anne.

    Like

  7. Shayn Roby September 8, 2016 / 7:26 am

    Reblogged this on The Great I AM: The Original Light and commented:
    Our spouse is a gift from the Lord. It is for this reason that we should honor and cherish our spouse and treat her or him with the same love and respect that Jesus shows for us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • VictorsCorner September 8, 2016 / 7:43 am

      You are right Shayn. Thanks for the comment and the reblog.

      Like

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