On Premarital Sex And  Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule

Steve Harvey on the set of Steve Harvey Show.
Steve Harvey

Have you ever heard of the so-called Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule with respect to the timing of sex in a dating relationship? Whether your answer is yes or no, join me as I examine that issue in this blog post.

s the Covid 19 lock-down continued to last, I found myself watching several short clips from the very popular Steve Harvey Show on Facebook. While I had many moments of inspiration and entertainment watching selected episodes of the show, I also had a few moments that I had to say, “No Steve, I beg to differ.”

Please don’t misunderstand me; I am not knocking Steve Harvey here. He is a well-loved celebrity comedian with huge fans across the globe.

I’m just saying that in as much as I like him and his inspiring show, there are areas where our individual beliefs do not align. Hang on, I will explain what I mean in a moment.

Steve Harvey is a funny man, everybody knows that. You could not watch him in his elements without being enthralled by his witty sense of humour.

But let’s save that gist for another day and focus on the issue at hand.

During his TV shows, especially during the “Hey Steve” segment, Steve gives out relationship advice to his teeming studio audience (and by extension to viewers at home).

That’s the segment where Steve entertains some questions from some members of the audience. He then provides answers in terms of a personal advice on how to deal with the issues being asked about.

Hey Steve segment on Steve Harvey show
A member of the audience on Steve Harvey Show asking a question

While I would agree with many of his perspectives, there are clearly instances were I would disagree with him. For instance on the issue of sex while dating, I feel differently from how Mr. Harvey would advise his audience to handle it.

To the best of my knowledge as a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe that sex while dating (that is, premarital sex) is illicit sex. And such should not be encouraged, especially among Christians.

I stand with the Biblical position that encourages young people to wait till they are married before engaging in sexual activities.

However, going by what I heard on several episodes of the Steve Harvey Show that I watched, it would appear to me (correct me if I’m wrong) that Steve Harvey does not have any qualms with people having sex while dating (before they get married, whether or not marriage is in the picture).

Another reason I’m convinced that uncle Steve, as his teeming fans prefer to call him, supports premarital sex is the principle behind his 90-day rule of sex.

Let’s talk about it here.

Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule

While Harvey is okay with you having sex with someone you are dating, what he seemed to advise (as a lady) is that you should not make it happen so early in the dating relationship. And that’s where the question of his so-called 90-day rule comes in.

Most often than not, many of the people who ask him questions about dating relationships would usually make reference to the “90-day rule,” which I learnt Harvey strongly espoused in his book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.

Sex while dating = Steve Harvey's 90-day rule.

Let me state upfront that I haven’t read the book (yet). However, one source claims that through that book, “Steve Harvey… has inspired women around the world to hold off on sex for 90 days upon entering a new relationship, in order to get the respect they deserve, and land a man who is truly all in.”

“Often referring to sex as the “cookie”, Steve Harvey suggests that women keep the cookie in the cookie jar for a probationary period of 90 days, causing men to have to prove themselves, work for and earn the benefits.”

Does that sound great or not?

Your answer will depend on what you believe and where you are in your relationship with God. As for me, you must already know where I belong if you have been reading along with me.

Before we proceed, let’s go over the import of the 90 day rule again:

  • A girl in a dating relationship with a guy should not have sex with the guy for at least the first 90 days of their being together.
  • The reason for this is so that the guy will have to prove his commitment to the lady and then earn sex as a reward.
  • The girl is thereafter free to offer sex to the guy once he has proven his commitment to the her by waiting for the 90 days before demanding sex.

Some ladies around the world might have been applying this rule, but that does not mean it is one hundred percent right. Again, your sense of right or wrong is a function of your beliefs and relationship with God.

In my own opinion, this rule puts the burden of holding off sex for 90 days on women. But I think it is supposed to be a joint responsibility of the man and the woman involved.

Secondly, the rule doesn’t prohibit premarital sex; it only says the lady to delay it for the first 90 days of meeting a guy. After that, the she is free to engage in sex with the guy, if he passes the waiting test.

But are believers in Christ supposed to follow this rule too?

Frankly speaking, I do not think so. The simple reason is that God has called believers to a higher standard of sexual purity.

What the word of God teaches

1 Corinthians 6:18

Anyone who doesn’t have any qualms with sex before marriage may be okay with the Harvey’s 90-day rule. But anyone who believes that sex should wait till marriage will think differently.

The latter category will know that the issue at hand is not a question of how long or short you have to hold off sex while dating but a question of an event (marriage) having taken place before doing the do.

And anyone who sees himself or herself as a true follower of Jesus Christ should belong to the latter category. A true believer in Christ should not support or practice sex before marriage or sex outside marriage for that matter.

In his letter to the Corinthians, Apostle Paul gives the following advice:

Run away from sexual immorality [in any form, whether thought or behavior, whether visual or written]. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the one who is sexually immoral sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18 AMP

Bible scholars tell us that “the word translated as “sexual immorality” or “fornication,” is the Greek word porneia, which means “illicit sexual intercourse.”

It is clear from the above that God doesn’t want us to court sexual immorality. And premarital sex is sexual immorality, which is an illicit sexual intercourse.

And in the context of this discourse, “run away from sexual immorality” could be read as, “run away from premarital sex.”

Unfortunately, many people today who frown against adultery (sex with someone other than your spouse) do not give a hoot about premarital sex (fornication) which is sex before or without marriage.

Steve Harvey

This same issue recently came up in one online forum that I contributed to.

A bewildered participant had asked, “Why has premarital sex become a norm in our society today?”

Here was my contribution in the discussion that ensued:

…Our sense of morality has been decaying over the years. But anyone who is born again knows that premarital sex is not normal; it is a sin against God.

For those who say that premarital sex is okay because of civilisation, my answer to them is that civilisation is not the same thing as promiscuity.

As I would often say, both premarital sex and extramarital sex are the devil’s ideas. Those who love God should desist from such.

Does that mean God doesn’t want His children to have sex? No, of course God wants it, because He created it. But He approves of sex only within the confines of marriage.

So take it or leave it, anyone who has sex with someone he or she is not married to is having an illicit sex. And illicit sex is a sin against God.

In a way, this should bother you, except of course if you have no iota of the fear of God in you.


God doesn’t hate sex, but He wants you to be married before engaging in it.

So if you are a child of God and you want to live as one, you should know that despite the popularity of Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule for engaging in sex with someone you are not married to, marriage is the only God-approved license for sex.

Until someone marries you, he or she has not acquired the right to be intimate with you. So the correct rule to follow while dating is really not about holding off sex for only 90 days, but about holding off completely until you are married.

Whether the time from when you meet your dating partner to the time you get married is exactly 90 days, less than 90 days or more than 90 days, the right thing for you to do is to wait until you are married before engaging in any sexual activity. Anything short of that is living below the good standard God has set for you.

What’s your take on the 90-day rule in a dating relationship?

7 thoughts on “On Premarital Sex And  Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule

  1. musingsalonglifesjourney Jun 8, 2020 / 8:00 pm

    Satan and human will lead to all kinds of lusts that take God-given desires out of the Godordained box. Contrary to most “boxes”, God’s boxes give us a framework where we can enjoy the things God intended for us in a godly way and enjoy them to far greater depths without sin and sorrow accompanying our pleasure. No Regrets! only comes from walking the narrow road lead by Holy Spirit guidance and the great love of God which has nothing to do with the lust of the eyes, flesh, and pride of life we so often fall into/cater to. I cannot get back my virginity from the choices I made as a young woman led by pre-1980 free-love. A lot of our marital struggles and the sins of the fathers would not have occured without being led into “If it feels good, do it” I’m so glad for freedom in Christ that i’ve ben enjoying over 30 years. Praise God!

    Liked by 1 person

    • VictorsCorner Jun 8, 2020 / 11:09 pm

      Wow, 30 years following Christ. That’s great.

      Of course, God forgives our inpure past and never holds it against us once we come to Him. Butn that we are saved, we should be led by the Holy Spirit to please our Lord.

      We are not ruled by our senses because we walk by the spirit.


  2. VictorsCorner Jun 3, 2020 / 9:08 pm

    Thank you so much for this beautiful contribution. And I agree with everyone of your points here.

    Yes, in a lot of ways, Harvey’s life is inspiring. And one thing I can give him full credit for is that He always attributes His success to God and often talks about Him on his shows, unlike some other celebrity show hosts who would want to be silent about God.

    I like the fact of what you said, to put in relevant word of correction so that some people will not be led astray by what they hear from celebrities. That’s exactly one of the reasons I chose to write the post.

    Once again, thank you for reading and commenting.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. D.P.G_Alabi Jun 3, 2020 / 8:13 pm

    I happen to pick up some sense in Steve’s short clips on social media as well.

    I once watched him delve deep into his life story; being homeless, jobless etc. And then turning nothing into something by confessing positively in situations of despair. He always gave the glory to God for what he achieved.

    However, I have also heard him say he was just at an apprenticeship level of christianity, not too knowledgable in the word of God. He largely makes boast in the faithfulness of God.

    Where celebrities with sizeable followership like him err, we as Christians are duty bound to put in a word of correction to save those that may be led astray.

    Some may argue that is it not better to last 90days without sex in a relationship than end up a one night stand? Theres no justification for sin, it’s like a thief taking 90days to plan to steal and another that steals wilfully in 60 seconds; they are both thieves none is junior to the other.

    The theory is flawed in that sex is seen as a reward for meeting a criteria which is outside of marriage.

    Liked by 3 people

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