Towards A Better Marriage: Your Spouse Is Not The Problem. 

Marriage is a beautiful thing. But that doesn’t stop problems from cropping up in it here and there. If you are already in a committed marriage relationship, it is a mistake on your part if you see your spouse as the problem when those challenges arise.
The problem in marriage

With this post, I am beginning a new series on marriage simply christened Towards A Better Marriage. As the title suggests, the purpose of the series will be to share some of my thoughts towards achieving a better – stronger, healthier and happier – marriage relationship with your spouse.

If that’s what you desire, let me invite you to go through the entire series with me because it promises to be a rewarding journey for us all. Here is the first menu on offer:

Your Spouse Is Not The Problem

Just like every married couple might have come to realise, I am sure you already know that marriage is not a bed full of roses only. It is full of plenty challenges as well. Isn’t that pretty obvious?

More often than not, it is how you handle these challenges that will go to a large extent to determine the success and happiness or otherwise of your marital experience. The common saying that as you make your bed, so you will lie on it holds true in marriage relationships too.

Except you are married to the devil personified, I am free to say that your spouse is not the problem. So resist the temptation to see him/her as one.

Put in proper perspective, you will realise that the challenges you have in marriage are things or issues, not a person – and definitely not your spouse! For instance, the problem could be the manner your spouse is handling an issue at hand, or it may also be the manner you are reacting to it. Either way, you must perceive that the problem is not a person.

A vital key to amicably resolving the challenges is to learn to focus on tackling the issue at hand rather than putting the blame on a person – your partner. You may have been hurt by what your spouse said or did at some point, but the problem is still not your spouse.

“I love you but I hate how you treat me sometimes,” a thoughtful wife once said to her husband. You’ve got the point? Identify what the issue is and deal with it.

A problem is a problem and your spouse is your spouse. Please don’t mistake one for another.

Here is a relevant story that comes to mind at this point.

Husband and wife are not enemies.

A newly wedded couple who began to face some marital challenges went to see an experienced marriage counsellor for possible solutions. After they had vented before the counsellor, he pulled out two paper cards from his wooden drawer and gave one each to the couple to fill in the blanks that followed the simple question: What do you think is the problem in your marriage?

The counsellor then retrieved the two cards and found the boldly written responses from the waiting couple:

Wife: My husband is the problem in our marriage.

Husband: My wife is the problem in our marriage.

Much to the surprise of the pensive couple, the counsellor began to smile as he read out the respective answers. He seemed very familiar with these kinds of self-protecting responses; that was not the first time he had counselled spouses who blamed each other for their marital woes.

“First and foremost,” said the counsellor in a calm but firm voice, “both of you missed the key part of the question which said, ‘what’ and not ‘who’ you thought the problem in your marriage is. From our discussions so far, I can surmise that the answer to the question is not a person, as two of you stated. Should I now take it that you both failed the question?”

“But I can explain what I meant by saying that ….” said the wife, attempting a frantic effort to expatiate on her previous answer. The husband too felt right for blaming the wife. This charged up the counselling room a little more.

The couple blamed each other for their marital challenges. None of them was willing to accept the blame either. Thankfully in the course of the session, the counsellor was able to douse the ensuing tension and also drilled down to the problematic issues in the couple’s lives.

In the end, the counsellor went further to harp on the need for the spouses not to see each other as the problem in their marriage. Rather, they should perceive each other as partners in progress, standing in unity and on the same front to tackle whatever issues that may challenge them in their union.

Here is my conclusion as well: Next time you have any marital issue, be sure to remind yourself that your spouse is not the problem. Identify what the issue is and focus on tackling it. That way you will achieve a healthier method of resolution than blaming your spouse.

Please share what you think in the comment session.

Photo credits:


Still ahead: Towards A Better Marriage: 6 simple reasons you shouldn’t blame your spouse.


© Copyright 2016-Victor Uyanwanne

14 thoughts on “Towards A Better Marriage: Your Spouse Is Not The Problem. 

  1. Ufuomaee 13/08/2016 / 10:24 pm

    Great piece! I’ve been doing a marriage series on my blog too. It’s called the Marriage ABCs. Do check it out. I would be keen to follow yours too.

    Cheers, Ufuoma.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Elihu 18/08/2016 / 11:33 am

    I love this article! It’s easier to blame a person than to address an actual issue. Sometimes, as you point out, we fail to recognize our part in the problem. We need to actively pray for our spouse and our marriage; it’s a great place to start! I look forward to reading more articles in your series.God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    • VictorsCorner 18/08/2016 / 2:53 pm

      Elihu, thank you for reading. Your advice to always pray for our spouses is a great one. It should no longer be taken for granted. See you again soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Although I agree with you Victor in that Problems need to be resolved in Marriage not just ignored or is it right to just put all the blame on our Spouse without seeking to see if we are responsible, it takes two to resolve Problems not just one and if our Spouse or ourselves or both are carrying a lot of Baggage this may not happen either. I’m going to share with you Victor about my first Marriage and also leave a link for you both of which I shared recently on Sue’s Blog.

    Neither my first husband or myself were Christians and both of us were badly abused in our Childhood and no doubt others have also had similar abuse and abuse brings more abuse, unless our emotions are healed and only Jesus can really heal traumatic memories and emotions.

    As I share about the abuse of my past Victor, I now feel no trauma or pain in doing so, I know Jesus has healed me and helps me to continue to forgive as I have done with all those who have abused me before, although to be sure I’m not Perfected in Love yet even though I’m aiming for it as God asks us to do, so yes I also need to be accountable when I’m at fault and ask forgiveness.

    My first husband Bill as I will call him, bashed me 3 days after we were Married but not before, I was pregnant and hemorrhaged and the baby miscarried but it was also having gestation problems. Bill use to choke me while telling me what he was going to do to me when I was unconscious all the time using the F word, which still disturbs me when people use it today but than it is indeed a evil, slanderous word, a few times as Bill was choking me and I lost conciseness he almost killed me.

    One night Bill locked me in the Bathroom in the middle of Winter, he removed all my clothes and the towels and turned the water off, he left me in there for two hours and I was pregnant, another time he bashed me while I was in Hospital and yes I was also pregnant and so it continues. Bill was tortured by his Alcoholic father as a Child and his father suffered because of his Alcoholic father.

    What did I later do about my damaged emotions? I will leave the link below for you……


    Christian Love and Blessings – Anne.


    • VictorsCorner 22/08/2016 / 6:17 am

      Thank you Anne for being so open in sharing your personal story. And I remain grateful to God who has healed you from the emotional trauma you went through in the past.

      Yes, I agree with you that it takes both couple to resolve marital challenges. A commentator here on this blog called it “understanding and mutual responsibility.”

      I will explore the link you you forwarded and give you a feedback later. Thanks.


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